dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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