i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
