ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
