i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
