Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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