You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
