They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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