She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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