history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
