I understand Curling. That high.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
