I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
