In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dicks are not precious.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
