I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
