Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
