Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
