the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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