My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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