How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
