I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
