If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
