he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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