I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
