you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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