Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
wow bdsm is so cute
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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