Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I wish there were birth control emojis
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
