You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
