Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
