Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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