Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
