He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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