I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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