I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
