its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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