I wish my penis had an off switch
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize