It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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