omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
