brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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