happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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