Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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