I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you mean i was at the winter classic?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
