Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
