Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
