I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
