Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
