You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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