i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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