My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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