I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
