I just pynch a tree in the face
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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