I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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