masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
