I hate your face
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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