I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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