We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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