If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
