She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
