I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
