Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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