Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
