i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
