It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
